I will be honest here, no memory of writing this, but it seems a wonderful choice to post right at the New Year. I am not a resolution type of girl, and sometimes I think people need to work a little more on being happy with who they are, rather than trying to become someone who will be happy. Controversial opinion, I know. Please note, I do not condone smoking in any way, shape, or form.
“Today’s the day I change” She said to herself, reading the little card. Stupid affirmations, they always seemed so shallow. Though she wasn’t exactly sure what it was that she was expecting. After all they were only small pieces of cardboard.
She skipped ahead to the next day “keep trying”
Bleh, she threw the stack in the garbage, and pulled the package of cigarettes from her purse. She was jittery, and on edge, and smoking was going to kill her one day, but this, the feelings might do it today if she didn’t.
She breathed in and relished the burn, letting the familiar sensation calm her in a way that a thousand stupid affirmations wouldn’t. She looked at the yoga mat in the corner, and felt a simmering of guilt at not even opening the gift. She knew that it would help, but she had been so busy it just seemed like one more task, on an endless list of tasks.
She snuffed out the cigarette, and reached for her second vice, breathing in the bitter smell of the hot coffee. It was bad for her anxiety, or so she had been told, but there were some things that she wouldn’t bend on, and this was one of them.
It seemed the recipe for clean living was being miserable, and she was one of those who was going to die far too young under the banner of living well. For her quality was everything, and while she tried to balance it with quantity of life, most of the time it just fell short.
What was it the song said “good time, not a lot of time” or something of the sort? She was determined from here on out she was going to stop stressing ,and start enjoying, and that meant coffee, cigarettes and fucking cake, not a stupid salad, no dressing, and 45 minute jog. She stepped back in from the balcony, closed the door and got ready for the day
She brushed her teeth twice to make sure to rid herself of the smell, and took a long shower. After, she did her hair, nails, makeup, and layered her clothing just so. She looked in the mirror and the person starting back at her appeared completely unrelated to the person who walked into the bathroom. She nodded at the stranger in the mirror and she knew she was ready to face the day.
The wasn’t Katie, who rather spend her day in her PJ’s eating ice cream than talk to another person. This was Katherine, consummate professional, impeccable, sociable, and good at what she did. She was ready to take on the world, and god forbid anyone stupid enough to get in her way, because Katherine took no prisoners.
She thought back to the nonsensical affirmation card and laughed. Nothing was going to change today, and maybe, just maybe, that was a good thing.