The year is almost over and this number is a little warning to be careful on deciding who to kiss at midnight. A little bit of comedy as the hopeless romantic goes for that all important midnight kiss at the office new years party. Now overly dark, but my brand of twisted comedy. See you all next year!
I had a minute to midnight and I was a woman on a mission.
The mission, kiss Jeremy Vallincourt.
He was an accountant at the office where we worked, and I had been lusting after him ever since he lost a water fight at the fourth of July picnic, and yanked his shirt over his head to reveal those perfect abs.
I had kept an eye on him all night, chatting here and there, flirting, but it was go time and Jeremy was nowhere to be seen. I was frantically signaling my friend Carly, my wingman for the night when the countdown started.
Carly finally caught wind of my signals and pointed towards Jeremy who was thankfully standing alone, and I started towards him, remembering the first day we met. When he bought me a cup of coffee to thank me for showing him around the office, even though it was my job. I should have snatched him up then.
I narrowly avoided the projectile vomiting of our moron office manager, who never makes it through an event with alcohol without throwing up. Jeremy, kind soul that he is , drove her home from the Halloween party, using a plastic pumpkin as a bucket.
Sarah, the secretary, or whatever the hell she calls herself is heading towards him too and as we meet up, I “accidentally” trip her, causing her to face plant in the punch bowl. So long, competition.
Its just me and him now, I just have to get there…
Almost almost, he turns and sees me, barreling towards him and stops. I hold my breath, hoping he doesn’t turn away, and score, he smiled.
Oh my god, he is heading towards me. This is it, this is it, he is so gonna kiss me at midnight!
We reach each other and stop, staring at one another with stupid grins and I am ready.
He reaches up and pushes my hair behind my ear and then.
Slowly he leans in and I am so ready for this, after 5 months of waiting I am going to get the guy. Me, who never gets the guy.
Oh my god he’s kissing me, its, its, horrible. Oh my god its horrible. This is without a doubt the worse kiss to ever be put upon another person in the history of kissing, and I am backing away and he is following his hands grabbing my ass. I felt him brush up against me, and nope that is not a banana and I jump back.
“Whoo! I guess I drank a little more than I should have. Sorry about that!” I said pretending to be so drunk, that I thought I had initiated the kiss.
Before he could get a word in edgewise I loudly continued. “Yep, better get home. Carly and I are splitting a cab.” I said, and I violently broke through the crowd to Carly and grabbed her arm. She started to protest when I continued “Yep, gonna go home, and eat some PINEAPPLE, and go to bed. High in vitamin C, great for staving off hangovers, PINEAPPLE.”
At the second repetition her eyes widened. “AH yes, the PINEAPPLE. Sorry George, see you around!” She ran out with me, and we dove in a cab as Jeremy yelled out the door, wait.
She stared at me, one raised eyebrow.
“What?” I snapped.
“Well? You aren’t going to explain that? Fleeing your dream guy, amazing dresser, wonderful personality,” She started
“Terrifyingly bad kisser, inappropriate fondler, the type of guy who pops a boner in the worst new years even kiss ever and wont let it stop.” I finished, and she let out a snort.
A second later I joined her, and we laughed until we almost cried.
“Well bright side, you dodged the bullet. Just think, you could have committed to dating him, at least now you can pull a good ‘I was drunk and have no memory of this’ Still akward, but.” She shrugged.
“Yep, definitely. That said, I am never going after a guy from the office again. Too much drama.” I said, seriously, believing it at the time. I even still meant it when I went back to work the next week. Then I met Kevin.